Everything is on fire, what do you do? Giselle Storm discusses your options because, you know, you might be panicking too much to think of something…
It’s fair to say that we live in pretty bleak times. The polar ice caps are melting, one half of the world spends most of its time on fire while the other half prefers to submerge itself underwater. Every now and again a news reporter with inhumanely white teeth tells us we are all going to die from the latest super-virus, and then promptly forgets about it the next week when something else even more terrifying appears on their teleprompter. Meanwhile, two men with silly hair and big red buttons are playing an increasingly alarming game of nuclear chicken.
It’s bleak guys, and with every teatering step we take towards the apocalypse the more tempting it is to crawl into the nearest enclosed space, curl up into the fetal position, and generally give up on this crazy dance the kids are calling life. But this is not the attitude to take. Afterall, it’s not everyday the human race gets wiped out, backwards, in a huge ball of flames. If anything it’s something we should prepare for, have an apocalypse plan, consider the options for your last 12 hours on Earth before ascending to whichever heaven you believe in.
So, without further ado, here I present to you my top 4 apocalypse options. They’re not binding, have a muck about, maybe mix and match, put them all on apocalypse spreadsheet and analyse which one best meets your apocalyptic needs.
1. The Family Options
This is the option that we all like to think we’d go for, the wholesome, cosy apocalypse, spent with your nearest and dearest. Picture it now, sitting around the fireplace, eating your mums chicken soup for the last time, maybe a musically gifted sibling sits at a piano and plays a melancholic version of Auld Lang Syne. Or, alternatively if you’re anything like my family you all get hammered on that concerning tequila in a woven bottle that your step-dad picked up in Colombia in the 80s. Whichever way you lean the family options has a lot of benefits. Escape the final guilt of not talking to your grandma enough, it’s a comfortable apocalyptic plan reminiscing and laughing at the kitchen table, maybe a final game of Monopoly just to ensure that you all hate each other’s guts by the time the flames engulf you all.
2. The Take All The Drugs Options
Real talk, heroin sounds absolutely excellent. Why do we not all just spend our days in a lovely smacked up haze? Because, in the immortal words of secondary school my form tutor, it a bit ruins your life. But, guys, you only have about 12 hours of life left, how ruined can it get? What better way to forget the world than to gather up all of the drugs that you can find (be warned this may be a popular plan so act fast as soon as apocalypse is a-go) and just go for it. A benefit of this plan is if the world ends in a distincly unpleasant way you probably won’t even notice. This is also an option which I think could have great consequences if combined with option 1, I’ve not seen it, but I have a feeling mums on acid are all the fun.
3. The Massive End Of The World Party Option
Before we seriously consider this plan I think it’s worth briefly thinking about New Years. Can anyone of you honestly say, hand on heart, that they have had an amazing New Years? A New Years which lived up to all their expectations, a New Years where we all still look immaculate by midnight, where we are cinematically sprayed by confetti, where no one has a fight, no one’s ended up tearfully drunk in a bathroom, where you haven’t lost everyone you arrived with and spent half the night exchanging increasing nonsensical ‘where r u’ texts? The problem with New Years is that the expectations are too high, the hype too much, we as a society feel too much pressure to have ‘the best night ever’ and as a result it is always a bit of a disappointment – always feels a bit like enforced fun. This, I believe, is what the apocalypse party would be, but amplified. There will be someone having an existential crisis in the kitchen over a bottle of red wine, asking anyone within earshot ‘what the point of it all was anyway?’, people will manically be trying to get off with this person, or that person, or all those people, and inevitably you will spend the end of the world sitting on a sofa with a variety of strangers wondering if actually the apocalypse would have been much better if you’d just stayed in with some toast and a film.
4. The Fuck It Option
The word ‘fuck’ is a miracle of the English language. Those four letters, that one syllable somehow have the capacity to express the full range of human emotion. Depending on expression, intonation or enunciation this one simple word with the right intonation, enunciation or expression encompasses a seemingly endless array of actions, adjectives and emotions. Here, however, it is used in the indefinite sense of ‘fuck it’. The ‘fuck it’ used of someone about to skydive or of someone about to approach an intimidatingly beautiful person. The ‘fuck it’ option has its fingers in many different pies, be it the fuck it of the ‘shag that person who you’ve always want to shag’, the fuck it of ‘do that thing which you’ve always been to scared to do’, or the fuck it of ‘I know it’s the apocalypse, but I refuse to die without knowing how Game of Thrones end, so I’m going to stay in with my laptop’. The fuck it option is a treasure trove of activities, but the key thing is the emotion behind it. The emotion of ‘I have 12 hours left to live, bollocks to everything’.
Whatever your apocalyptic plan I leave you with one single piece of advice. Against all you better instincts, the integral human need to just keep on living, I really implore you not to fight the inevitable destruction of the world as we know it and try to survive, for one simple reason. Dear reader, imagine the world post-apocalypse, the barren wasteland, burnt out McDonalds and Starbucks with no queue. Now, imagine the kind of person who would have survived. They will be nutters, this I can guarantee. The kind of nutter tv shows are made of. The kind of nutters who seem to only live in suburban America, build bunkers and fill it with tins of Spam. The kind of nutter who has hand crafted 7 different type of hunting bow while watching endless Bear Grylls episodes. The kind of nutter who has a questionable moustache. The kind of nutter who in a pinch will definitely drink their own urine, despite the queue-less Starbucks. Now, dear reader, think, are these the kind of people that you would want to repopulate the Earth with?
Follow Giselle on instagram: @gisellestorms
Illustration: Nina Goodyer